Relax your ego. It is always about our ego: I have achieved this and should not have done that. I still have to do that and work on myself here. I, I, I. But what if this ego is in reality to a large extent beyond our control? This article here is a splendid plea for not to take ourselves so seriously. We explain philosophically and yet unembellished why we are determined by chance, biology and our circumstances – and why the key to a good life lies precisely in this knowledge.
The liberating realization that life becomes more beautiful if we humans do not take ourselves so seriously
Why are you reading these lines? Because you chose it? Because you want to quench your thirst for knowledge and learn more? Because you and your self are responsible for shaping your life, your education and your success? What would happen if all this were not true? What if the share of your ego in your life’s success is much smaller than you think?
Don’t worry, these lines are not a manifesto for determinism. They only remind us that our much-vaunted self is to a large extent a product of chance. The lynchpin of our society is a completely exaggerated relationship to the self: beauty, success, self-optimization, pressure to perform, shame, responsibility, guilt … we take ourselves very seriously. But most of it is not in our hands – from our appearance to the living conditions that determine our success to the decisions we make.
This article is an uplifting, unagitated call not to take ourselves too seriously to make the most of our time in a relaxed way and to be open and respectful of one another.
Today we often boast about things that are not our merit
Looking at social networks like Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn can only make you unhappy: Everyone seems beautiful, happy or successful. Anyone who achieves anything is clearly celebrating themselves and, of course, presenting themselves from their chocolate side. If you can’t show anything for yourself, you’ll be ashamed of your own irrelevance, either secretly or at the therapist. Something is wrong!
The social media are the extended arm of the performance society in which we compete bitterly behind a false smile. The modern performance principle is based on the visibility of success. All this, the whole capitalist – distorted thinking, is based on the false assumption that we are masters of our successes. But we are not. On closer inspection, it turns out that we really cannot claim any of our successes as our own.
Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are our personal merit. The beauty and youth that are so popular are, firstly, temporary gifts and, secondly, products of chance – arbitrary results of the genetic dice game. Even the prerequisites for the development of our cognitive and motor abilities are determined by our genes.
Everything we take for granted is also incredibly fragile. Even a slight lack of oxygen during birth can lead to massive mental disabilities. With a severe head injury or dementia, nothing, nothing is lost to me, nothing what we call “personality”.
We develop many of our traits and talents only because we were born into favorable conditions where we were protected, valued, and nurtured. Those who are unlucky enough to grow up in an environment of poverty, drug use or violence run an incomparably greater risk of later becoming criminals, ill or addicted themselves.
Now it’s not about anyone apologizing for their privileges or imperfections. But we can at least practice a little modesty. The whole ego relationship is basically very exhausting. It divides people according to strengths and weaknesses. Those who do this badly tend to feel inferior and resigned. He or she deprives himself or herself of a sense of achievement and remains “with the handbrake on” behind his or her true possibilities.
Success, on the other hand, obliges. The performance principle knows only the forward gear. That is why the beautiful, happy and successful are horrified by the loss of their identity-creating characteristics. If at some point you are no longer all that, then what else are you?
Both tendencies are unhealthy. Shame leads to envy and pride to arrogance. Both poisons our togetherness. This must end.
When you no longer feel guilty about being who you are, you find it easier to become who you could be.
Our modern notion of free will is not correct
The overused ego reference of our society has another catch: it is based on the belief in free will. I have earned my success. I think, so I am – smart, free, mature, creative. But what if the much quoted free will is not so free?
Brain research has discovered that our supposedly “free decision” is the result of countless complex neuronal processes. And now it comes: More than 99% of them take place somewhere in our subconscious, so that we either don’t notice anything or only the most necessary. Our conscious thoughts and what we perceive as our “I” are estimated to be only about 0.1%.
Our entire understanding of morality and guilt, of performance and reward, is based on the conviction that we could decide differently at any time. But this is only true to a very, very limited extent. Your brain makes your decisions on the basis of all the information that seems best to it at this very moment.
At any given moment, however, only a certain combination of synaptic connections is possible – and thus only one decision. Without new external input or deep inner thought processes, the “principle of alternative possibilities” is only an illusion. You usually have no chance to behave differently than you do.
Does this mean that we are in the end only puppets, controlled by the genetically pre-programmed forces of our subconscious? No, because your brain is constantly learning. It is constantly busy processing new information into new bases for decision-making. It changes to learn from the mistakes of the past, which also changes your being. Your brain simply refrains from informing your conscious self in all these learning processes. Let’s take a striking example: You don’t have to consciously decide not to touch a hot stove a second time. This decision has long been made for you.
It’s not like our ego doesn’t exist. It is only much more limited and dependent than we would like it to be. This is not particularly compatible with the postulate of rationality of our time – but perhaps it is precisely in this realization that the true path to freedom lies.
Endure what you cannot change, but change what you do not have to endure.
The realization that no one acts completely freely leads to consolation and empathy
Let’s be honest: How often do we break our brains about things we can’t change anymore? “I wish I had made a different decision back then.” Basically, much of our value system – from guilt to atonement and from pride to shame – is based on the myth of free will. Wouldn’t it be a tremendous relief to finally get rid of it?
Imagine if you scourged yourself once again for a decision made in the past. You can’t forgive your mistakes because you think you should have made a different decision. But then you realize that back then you didn’t know what you know today. Your brain and you made the only decision that was possible under the circumstances of that time. That may have caused pain, but it is the past. And it is okay that way. You may let it go.
The same clemency you should show to other people. Suppose someone steals your wallet. Later you will find out that the thief suffers from kleptomania or urgently needed the money in his destitution for something that was important to him in his perception. This does not change your material damage or the fact that the person needs help. However, it allows you not to evaluate the incident as a personal attack.
We constantly complain about the brutalization of togetherness in our society, and our own self usually stands in our way. Those who place their “I” in the center of the world, inevitably evaluate uncomfortable events and criticism as personal attacks for which they are constantly looking for scapegoats. Those who live like this practice retaliation instead of forgiveness.
We could all benefit from a society that relies on forgiveness instead of retribution. Research shows that people who can forgive suffer less from cardiovascular disease and emotional stress. The former concentration camp prisoner Eva Kor, for example, publicly forgave her tormentors. She later described the step as an enormous relief. “I felt immediately that the burden of pain fell from my shoulders. I was free”.
A legal system based on forgiveness rather than retaliation could focus less on punishment and more on reconciliation, crime prevention and the human dignity of perpetrators. If we want to distance ourselves from the principle of revenge, we must put ourselves in the shoes of our fellow human beings. But we also have to keep the moral cudgel in our pockets for that.
If you cannot forgive yourself, you will not be able to forgive others either, but will tend to fight your own mistakes in them.
The dichotomy of good versus evil stands in the way of reconciliation and peace in the world
We like to divide the world into good and evil. He who commits crimes is evil and deserves his just punishment. Evil are always the others anyway, you yourself are good. How easy and comfortable, isn’t it?
Black-and-white thinking has a sociological function: it strengthens identities internally by demarcating them externally. It justifies our hostile behaviour towards other people and groups. We, the good ones, meet each other with justice and tolerance. But the evil ones over there deserve that we meet them in the name of the good with harshness and, if necessary, with violence. Exactly this camp formation is the mother of all spirals of violence in the bloody history of our civilization.
Religions make use of the same double moral: Both the Bible and the Koran preach unconditional love of neighbor, but set conditions themselves: Neighbors should belong to their own faith community. Unbelievers are excluded, persecuted or immediately banished to purgatory.
We must overcome this fundamentalist moral concept. No one is simply evil. Let us remember the various factors that determine our actions – from genes, family and social background to the arbitrariness of all further experiences. We must become aware that people can do evil without being evil through and through. Only when we understand this can we recognize the real circumstances that cause misfortune and evil.
It is time for an objective, science-based ethic that empathically questions the interests and needs of all parties. Such ethics are not based on the division into good and bad people, but on the assumption that every human being is naturally capable of love and compassion. Only in this way can we recognize and combat the true causes of human suffering.
All this may be uncomfortable. First science denies us free will, then we should overcome our moral concepts and now religion is also pilloried. What remains then? What can we believe in? What is it worth living for?
If you are no longer afraid of failing, perhaps you no longer have to fail.
A scientific world view is the way to true spirituality
Religious people may now ask: “Why do we live when there is supposedly no God?” As if everything would be in vain if it didn’t go on after death. Rationality and spirituality are not a contradiction. Quite the contrary.
You don’t have to believe in God to see the world and the universe as miracles. The incomprehensible greatness of the cosmos, the age of the earth, the clever, cruel and yet elegant beauty of evolution, the complexity and simplicity of existence – in view of all the wonders of life, one should actually develop a kind of cosmic religiosity. The truths and mysteries of the universe are so majestic that all earthly aspirations and man-made concepts of God inevitably seem banal.
At the atomic level, there is nothing else but “eternal life”. After the Big Bang, the primordial substance spread over the entire cosmos. Over the course of billions of years, this stardust has merged to form celestial bodies and at least on one of them it has at some point combined to form life forms. This means that everything – from us humans and the animals and plants on Earth to the remotest galaxies – consists of the same smallest particles in its core.
Thus we are all part of a cycle. The boundaries between body and mind, man and nature, earth and sky are ultimately only mental constructs. In reality, each one of us is inseparably connected to the great galactic whole. The smallest particles that make up your body and your ego have existed since time immemorial. When you die, they live on in other people, animals and plants.
This cycle doesn’t end just because you die. In this firework of life, your existence is only a fleeting spark. It has no cosmic meaning. But it does have meaning for you – precisely because of its finiteness. You are free to give your life a personal meaning, independent of any idea of God – e.g. by consciously experiencing life with all your senses. The physical-sensuous perception of life with all its beautiful and difficult sides is the greatest possible difference to non-existence.
And does not the meaning of this experience lie precisely in its earthly limitations? Knowing that you have only one run to make the most of your time? So, live the day. Stick to the following 3 keys to happiness: hedonism, self-realization, and altruism.
Enjoy your life in full consciousness of its finiteness with all your senses. Use and develop your talents and enjoy what you do. And where you can, work for a just and warm-hearted togetherness to help others enjoy their lives and develop their talents.
Summary:
We take ourselves far too seriously. We have the “I” that is at the heart of our feelings and values under much less control than we think. When we become aware of this, we can free ourselves from the overwhelming weight of the concepts “guilt” and “shame” and encounter each other more calmly, openly and empathetically – and make the most of our precious lifetime in a relaxed way. It’s best to start today and relax your ego.
If you want to learn more, have a look at The Power of Not Letting Your Ego Do the Talking