How important is appreciation for you? No matter whether it is the thanks of a friend, the loving recognition of the partner or sincere praise from the boss, appreciation knows many forms and is an important factor for one’s own well-being.
Why is appreciation so important?
When we receive appreciation, the body’s own opiates give us euphoric feelings and thus also joy. There are also small signs of sincere recognition or appreciation to make us happy. Through these chemical processes in our own bodies, nature has ensured that we strive for a good relationship with our fellow human beings. But you should also be aware that self-recognition is a prerequisite for social appreciation.
Our need for recognition ensures that we adapt in groups, fit in and follow rules. This is good and right in many situations, but makes us vulnerable to manipulation. Today’s social media address our need for confirmation and lure us back into the feed again and again, because we experience a little smoke of happiness with every Like.
Are you still wondering, How important is appreciation?
Where does this desire for recognition come from?
If you are at work and make a lot of effort in your job, stay longer in the office to do the important tasks for your boss and he only asks briefly for the status and then goes on to the next item on the agenda, do you feel good? You will probably be disappointed, angry or sad. We owe this reaction to our ancestors.
Millions of years ago, the first primates in the African savannah developed the ability to form social bonds. The chances of survival increased enormously. In a group one can defend oneself better against wild animals and other natural hazards. Those who were not accepted by the group and had to wander through the wilderness as loners probably did not live to be that old.
That is why our brain signals us that we should always try to be accepted by our environment. When babies and toddlers are only provided with what they need and are denied any affection, their physical, emotional and linguistic development is significantly lower than that of other children. As adults, we should be reflective and independent enough to realize that we survive without words of affirmation from friends and family. But our brain sees it differently. Adults also feel the effects of a lack of recognition not only psychologically, but also physically. Social isolation activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain.
Why are some people more independent of recognition by others?
Some people are more independent of recognition by others. The answer lies in your life story. How great is your need for recognition, gratitude and appreciation? On a scale from 1 to 10. Your estimation is usually quite correct, because our intuition is all our experiential knowledge. How much recognition we need as adults is largely decided in the first years of our lives. As small children, we derive our self-image and self-esteem from the way our closest relationships behave towards us. We have no further orientation values at this point. If we experience little attention during this time, it has a negative effect on our self-esteem. Presumably we repress the experience at first, but it shapes us into adulthood. Too much attention can have just as negative an effect as too little. Those who grow up in the awareness of being the navel of the world, because they are celebrated by their parents for every little thing, will be taught a better lesson at the latest when they enter professional life. Because here you have to earn the praise first.
Just as in the first years of life, the right amount of attention is also important in adulthood. Those who cope with little recognition from outside usually have no problems. Especially entrepreneurs or pioneers in a field profit from this kind of independence, as new ideas usually meet with resistance. If Steve Jobs and Elon Musk had placed too much value on the opinions of others, the Iphone and Tesla would not exist.
Problems usually arise when we need relatively much external recognition. But of course it can also motivate us.
How can we become less dependent on the recognition of others?
Are you one of those people who need a lot of outside confirmation? Then a simple exercise can help to change your attitude. Take an old child photo of you in your hand. Ideally you should be between 4 and 6 years old. Put yourself in the time of that time. Often this time travel is painful, but it helps you to find out what you were missing then and what is the reason for your today so pronounced need for recognition.
Only when we become aware of the causes can we change something. But don’t worry, you don’t have to dig in the emotional filth of your childhood. It is often enough for us to consciously make up for the lack of awareness.
There is nothing wrong with compensation in itself. We satisfy a long suppressed hunger. It becomes problematic when we cannot let go of our fixation on recognition. If recognition becomes an addiction, we should get psychological help. Whether with a therapist or without, if we want to become more independent within ourselves, we will sooner or later have to deal with our self-esteem. Those who cannot stand themselves will not receive the desired recognition from others either. That is not magic, but neurobiology.
Nerve connections in our eyes lead directly to the orbitofrontal cortex, a brain region responsible for processing emotions. We humans are thus able to register the gestures, facial expressions, posture and pitch of our counterpart within seconds via so-called mirror neurons and decipher the emotional message contained therein. With the help of the orbitofrontal cortex and the mirror neurons other people unconsciously recognize if we have a low self-esteem and they judge in a flash whether they find us sympathetic or unappealing. Those who judge themselves badly also tend to be judged negatively by others. If we want to be perceived positively, we must first work on our self-acceptance. This can only succeed if we silence our inner critics, show them our previous successes and treat ourselves with leniency.
How does recognition work?
Recognition is giving and taking. So act the way you want to be treated. After all, we humans are social beings and orient ourselves towards each other. For the strategy to work, however, you have to give reason for recognition. Because you have to earn recognition. In contrast to appreciation, which develops over time from a lasting positive experience, recognition refers to shorter projects and a selective positive feeling. The colleague’s praise for the good quarterly figures, the partner’s compliment for the cooked dinner, the bonus for the project’s success. These are all forms of recognition.
In everyday life, recognition is often lacking. In such cases, it is perfectly ok to actively demand feedback. Maybe your performance wasn’t so well received? Then it is all the more important that you find out what you can improve. But make sure that you only get feedback from people who are competent and who you know will not interpret as insecurity or weakness. This is especially true in the job.
Don’t be afraid to communicate your own performance on the job. It is not a matter of showing off in the style of “I am the best”, but of ensuring that your own performance is perceived appropriately. This way you can be a good role model for others.
Sometimes subtle clues are enough. Tell your boss about a great thank you email from a customer. This also works in your private life. If you organized a birthday party for a friend, which he obviously enjoyed very much, but for which he didn’t thank you with a word, tell him about the friends who wrote you the next day, how great they found the evening. When you talk about the recognition you have received, you encourage those who have been thrifty with recognition so far to rethink their behaviour.
Appreciation is a basic human need. In order to be richly rewarded by our fellow human beings, we must first value ourselves.